Year in review

So, this end-of-the-year questionnaire of Sundry's is becoming something of a tradition, so even though I'm not sure if she's doing it this year (edited to add: she posted hers at almost the exact same time that I posted mine; here is hers), I think I'm going to go ahead and continue the pattern on my own. You can see answers from 2008 and 2007, too.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Moved across the country. Got a dog of our own. Bought a house. Had weight-loss surgery.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year, all I said is that I wanted to get one or two nice pieces of art to hang on our walls. And actually, though this wasn't what we were thinking at the time, we did purchase a couple gorgeous photos of Colorado that we need to get framed and hang. So, that's close enough, right? I do have a couple of actual resolutions for this year, for once, but those will come in a separate post.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. Except now I'm paranoid that I'm forgetting someone.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just Germany this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
Wow, looking back at my answer to this question from last year, I got a lot of what I wanted this year (namely, a house in Denver, a dog, and a car). I did not get a housekeeper or a meeting with this lady. I'm going to go ahead and cut the housekeeper thing off the list, because, well, that's just not going to happen next year. But I will add a new one for 2010: a baby, or progress toward one.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
We did a lot of big things this year, but the two where the dates clearly stand out in my memory are March 5, when we got Montana, and May 14, when I had lap-band surgery.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally managing to make everything happen that we'd been working on for so long. Namely, moving to Denver and getting a dog and a house. And remaining very happily married in the process.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hm. This was a pretty successful year for me. I think one thing that I do want to work on is not getting frustrated about things that aren't happening, and instead focus on enjoying the things that are happening. And yes, I am talking about babies, thanks for asking.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, unless you count my surgery, which I don't.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our house.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Torsten's. He is awesome, and supportive, and ambitious, in the best possible ways.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A couple of Colorado State Senators of whom I had never heard until we moved here. One, Scott Renfroe, made a lovely comment comparing gay people to murderers on the floor of the legislature, and another, Dave Schultheis, said that he doesn't believe in mandatory HIV testing for pregnant women because they deserve to watch their babies die as punishment for their promiscuity. There are so many things wrong with this that I don't even know where to begin. (See here for more details.)

14. Where did most of your money go?
Toward our house. But there are no regrets there.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Moving to Denver! Getting a dog! Buying a house! Having weight-loss surgery! Are you sensing a theme throughout this questionnaire yet?

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Um. I don't think there is one.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
c) richer or poorer?
Happier, thinner, and richer. Though I must qualify the "richer," because we are richer in terms of assets, but poorer in terms of money in the bank.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Becoming an awesome DIY person who can make her house look fabulously decorated and only spend $10 at Michael's to do so. But I'm pretty sure that's just a pipe dream.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Umm. Working? While still earning the same amount (or more), of course.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
In our house here in Denver, with my parents, my sister, and my sister's family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
I'm going to repeat last year's answer here: Only more so, not for the first time.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
House. And American Idol. I know, so passe, but I can't help it. I like it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

24. What was the best book you read?
I know it's a little premature, but I really enjoyed Ina May's Guide to Childbirth. She is just slightly extreme for my taste, but she has so much experience and so many important things to say. I learned quite a bit from reading the book and now I have a ton more questions for my midwife.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hm. I know this wasn't her first year on the scene, but I started loving Sara Bareilles.

26. What did you want and get?
A house in Denver. A dog. A lap-band.

27. What did you want and not get?
A baby.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't know, really. I just saw Avatar and thought it was awesome.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We had just gotten back from a weekend in Glenwood Springs. On the day of, I worked, and relaxed with Torsten, and went out for dinner. I turned 25.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Well, a baby, kind of, because I have insane baby fever, but also not, because the timing wouldn't have been right. So really, nothing. It was a great year exactly as it was.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Denver is so casual. Plus, no more work clothes were required. Lots of jeans and sweaters. And boots! Both Uggs and nicer slouchy suede boots.

32. What kept you sane?
Torsten. Amidst all this change and upheaval, it was immeasurably grounding to have such a stable force in my life.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have to say, despite the challenging first year that he's had, I'm still a big fan of Obama.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well, cliche as I'm sure it is, health care. If this bill passed and all it did was block insurance companies from denying you coverage based on pre-existing conditions, I'd already be thrilled.

35. Who did you miss?
Most of my friends and family, since pretty much all of them live far away now.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
We met so many great people this year when we moved to Denver, it's hard to even remember them all. The ones that come to mind right away are Jeni and her husband, Rosie and her fiance, Kath, and Penny. Plus our next-door neighbors. And a bunch of other people I'm sure I'm forgetting.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Well, this is something that I didn't exactly learn this year, because I kind of already knew it, but this year certainly confirmed it. I know now that if you know something is right for you, then it's fine, even if other people find it shocking or wrong. So, if someone thinks you're insane for moving to a state you've never even visited before, or tells you that you shouldn't have weight-loss surgery because don't you know that it's all about calories in vs. calories out? They can talk, but it doesn't matter, because I have faith in my own decisions. And honestly, people's opinions about your choices are really reflections on them, not you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
For the third year straight, I'm going to go ahead and say no, I refuse. Happy New Year, everybody!

A very important guest post

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

An easy way to get into that holiday spirit

So, since it's the day before Christmas and all, it seems like a good time to mention that pseudostoops is doing her blog giveaway again... and this year, there's an extra twist! Not only is pseudostoops giving 50 cents to charity for each comment on these three posts, but now Swistle is in on the fun, and will be adding another 25 cents per comment.

So, head over there, post a quick comment on each of those three posts, and know that you've done your part to help someone else, just that little bit. For free!

AND, you can vote on which of five charities should be the one to receive an additional $50 donation.

So, go! Comment! Help! I don't care if you have a blog or not. Just leave a comment! It's free, and it matters.

And happy holidays!

Genetic counseling redux

Remember last week when I mentioned how my midwife told me we should meet with a genetic counselor before we try to get pregnant? Well, we had our appointment yesterday. And... it was kind of a bust.

I mean, it wasn't awful. It's just that when I was talking to the midwife, she gave me some basic information about genetic diseases. What she told me is that because Torsten and I are both European Caucasian, we have an elevated risk (1/29 chance each) of being carriers of cystic fibrosis in particular. Also, because I'm Ashkenazi Jewish, I have an elevated risk of being a carrier for certain Jewish genetic diseases such as Tay-Sachs. Because Torsten isn't Jewish, it's unlikely that he's a carrier for those diseases, but since it is possible that he has a Jewish ancestor somewhere that he doesn't know about, in theory he could also be a carrier.

So, if we're both carriers of the same genetic disease, we have a one in four chance of having a child with that disease. But, according to the midwife, if you know you're both carriers ahead of time, there are steps you can take to avoid passing on the disease. So, she said we should meet with the genetic counselor, who would ask us more in-depth questions about our family histories, provide us with more information about genetic diseases, and then draw my blood to see if I'm a carrier for anything. If I am, then Torsten will be tested to see if he's a carrier of the same disease. If he is, we'll discuss options.

So, we met with the counselor and... I guess I just didn't learn anything new. I wasn't really expecting to, because the midwife covered it pretty thoroughly, but I thought we'd have a slightly more in-depth conversation about the whole thing, and then she'd draw my blood. Instead, we had pretty much the exact same conversation I'd already had with the midwife, and then she told me that she wasn't going to draw my blood yet because the hospital first needed to check with my insurance to find out if the tests are covered.

I have to say, I was pretty freaking annoyed by that. My understanding when I made the 20-minute drive to meet with her was that she would be drawing my blood there. If I'd known the hospital needed to check with my insurance first, I would have asked them to do that when I made the appointment. And also, if the appointment is for exactly this purpose, shouldn't it be standard procedure for them to check with your insurance ahead of time anyway?

I did manage to talk her into drawing my blood while I was there, since it's good for a week or so, on the off chance that they're able to get insurance approval within a week. But of course it's about to be Christmas so I'm guessing they won't, so I'll have to do another 40-minute round trip drive JUST to get my blood drawn.

I would be less annoyed about this if I had felt like the rest of the appointment was productive. But... well, it wasn't, really. I mean, it was somewhat useful for Torsten because he heard the information directly from the source instead of filtered through me. But nothing was really new.

Though we did talk about one thing that was new. I asked what happens if we find out that we are both carriers for the same disease, what steps we could take to avoid passing the disease on to our child. And it turns out... well, not much. Basically the only option is IVF, essentially. You create embryos outside the uterus, test them for the disease, and then only implant the ones that don't have it.

Which... well. If we're both carriers of something (which is unlikely, especially since as far as we know, neither of us has any genetic diseases in our family), we'll discuss it. I mean, a 1/4 chance of giving birth to a child with a debilitating disease is pretty high. So, if we're both carriers, we're going to have to figure out what to do. But IVF is an expensive, invasive, challenging procedure. I guess my expectation was that there was something simpler that could be done. I don't believe in testing just for the hell of it, when you get information that won't change anything. I wasn't expecting to hear that we get tested and then, if the tests are positive, we have basically one choice, and it's a very challenging choice.

I mean, I'm not worried about it. The chances are so remote, and I'm not one to waste time and energy freaking out about statistical outliers. If it happens, we'll address it and figure out what we want to do. And most likely my tests will come back and say that I'm not a carrier and then it will be a non-issue and we'll all move on. So that's fine.

I just was expecting a little more from the appointment. More clear steps to take, and a test that was already approved. Instead, we both walked away feeling like the whole thing had been a waste of a couple hours. I mean, an important step forward. But not as productive as we were hoping.

Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that they get insurance approval at all, so we don't have to pay out of pocket for these tests, and that they get it within the next week, so I don't have to go back for another blood draw. We'll see if that's too much to ask.

Dogs are better on couches

Last week I finally talked Torsten into allowing Montana on the couch, as long as two conditions are met:

1. She has to lie on a blanket to protect the couch from dirt, germs, and dog hair
2. She has to be expressly invited and cannot feel free to just hop on the couch whenever she wishes--she has her dog bed and crate for that.

Torsten gave into this mostly to humor me, but it turns out that he likes it too. I mean, seriously, who wouldn't love this? My two best buddies on the couch with me is pretty much the best thing ever. (Also, Shelly, you can see some of our stockings hanging in the background.)


Also, last night, in preparation for my family's visit, I made peanut butter buckeyes, and they are possibly the best things I've ever tasted. I've been waiting for the family visit for this, because Torsten doesn't like peanut butter (I KNOW), and I didn't want an entire batch to eat myself. Plus, they're so rich that I really can't eat many, which is definitely a blessing in disguise.

Of course, peanut butter buckeyes aren't the only thing on the menu. This is our first time hosting Christmas, not just in this house but ever, and while I am trying to make sure we're prepared, I'm not freaking out about making everything perfect, because a) my family isn't like that--nobody expects perfection and nobody needs to be impressed--and b) my dad will be doing most of the cooking, as usual.

But we have been doing the grocery shopping and so on, and that's actually been kind of fun. Also, we are realizing how unprepared we are to have six guests simultaneously. We have enough bedrooms, and enough beds if you count the air mattress on loan from my parents, and enough sheets. We do not have enough dining room chairs, but we've borrowed some folding chairs from our next-door neighbor, so we're set there.

We've also borrowed a car seat for my younger step-niece from the other next-door neighbor. We've been to Costco and Safeway and we're planning a trip to Whole Foods later this week. We purchased mantle clips and hung the stockings. The presents are all purchased, wrapped, and arranged under the tree. A tree with presents under it is just so SATISFYING.


And, the menu is set. It includes:

• Rib roast with gravy
• Yorkshire pudding
• Mashed potatoes
• Sweet potatoes with brown sugar and marshmallows
• Creamed onion casserole
• Peas
• Frozen mint chocolate pie
• Trifle
• Chocolate orange souffle
• Eggnog milkshakes
  

Of these, I'm in charge of two of the desserts. And that's it. THAT is the way to host your first Christmas, as far as I'm concerned.

Snow day and Christmas meme

So, I hear that a bunch of you guys got a ton of snow this weekend or something? And it's actually kind of funny because when we made plans for my family to come out to Denver for Christmas, we worried that bad weather on our end could make travel difficult. And instead, DC has two feet of snow and this weekend in Denver it was sunny and in the 50s.

Also, my office is closed today, and I'm wondering what that means for me. Do I get a snow day too? After all, when all of Denver got a snow day, I was still working at home. Or does working at home mean I never get a snow day? But if I'm the only person working, it's going to be pretty challenging to get certain things done, because nobody will be in to discuss, answer questions, etc. I just don't know. I emailed my boss to ask what I should do, and I'm still waiting to hear back.

So, with all this snow in the air, and this being Christmas Week, what better time for a Christmas meme? (Stolen from Swistle and quite a few other people.)

Eggnog or hot chocolate? Eggnog. OMG yum. My mom always makes eggnog milkshakes by blending eggnog with ice cream, and that is a million times better than just plain eggnog. Adults always had rum in their milkshakes too, but even now that I technically qualify as an adult, I still prefer my milkshake without rum.

Does Santa wrap the presents or leave them open under the tree? Santa leaves small gifts, wrapped, in stockings. Presents under the tree are from family. I intend to uphold this tradition with our kids as well. Though in Germany, where Christmas is celebrated on the 24th, apparently Santa sneaks in the house in the middle of the afternoon and leaves the gifts in the hallway? I'm pretty sure we'll be sticking with the American version of this one once we have kids.

Colored lights on a tree or white? I grew up with colored lights but Torsten had very strong feelings about only white lights on a tree, so we went with that and actually, I love it.

Do you hang mistletoe? No.

When do you put your decorations up? It depends, but the last couple of years it's been the weekend after Thanksgiving.

What is your favorite holiday dish? Yorkshire pudding. YUM. This is one of the perks of having a British father.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Our policy used to be that we would save gifts that were sent from extended family until Christmas Eve and open them all then. But now we don't really receive gifts from extended family anymore, so everything is saved until Christmas morning.

How do you decorate your Christmas tree? White lights and a general (but not super restrictive) theme of red, purple, gold, and silver, with a silver star with white lights at the top.

Snow: love it or hate it? I love it. Maybe this opinion will change the longer we live in Colorado? But since we work from home, it's not really an inconvenience, so we can just light a fire and enjoy the beauty from inside. Plus, there isn't much cuter than a dog romping in the snow.

Can you ice skate? No. Unless you count "clinging to the wall of the rink while flailing wildly and watching your feet slide uncontrollably further and further apart" as ice skating.

What is your favorite holiday dessert? Hm. We don't really have a traditional holiday dessert that we eat every year. This year, we're planning on frozen mint chocolate cream pie, trifle, and chocolate orange souffle. All of those sound yummy to me.

What is your favorite holiday tradition? No one specific thing, I guess. Just the season. The tree and all the pretty lights everywhere and baking cookies and having fires in our fireplace. Just all of it.

Candy canes: yum or yuck? I don't like them, but it's not that I can't stand them. And actually, have you ever had a lemon with a candy cane straw? Amazingly good, and quite lip-puckering.

Favorite Christmas show? Umm. I don't really watch Christmas shows, I guess. I like it when TBS or whoever shows all the holiday episodes of Friends around Thanksgiving and Christmas, though.

I hope lots of you guys will do this meme too! As Swistle said, it's unexpectedly fun to fill out, and I'm enjoying reading them everywhere, too.

What are your big issue dealbreakers?

All this preparation for pregnancy has gotten me thinking about how lucky Torsten and I are that we are so compatible and have such similar outlooks. Love is important, of course, but as far as I'm concerned, love alone is not enough to make a marriage and a shared life work. It's not that you have to be clones of each other and of one mind about anything. But there are certain things that you need to have in common, or at the very least learn to respect and tolerate about each other.

I'm not talking about those hypothetical dealbreakers, like not dating a guy shorter than you. I'm not even talking about things like politics and religion--while I know that those can be Big Issues for some, for me, it's more about respect, reason, and open-mindedness. I have a problem with politicians who seem to be making decisions that are bad for the country but good for them personally, but I don't have a problem with people who disagree with me politically, but still have the good of the people at heart.

For me it's more about goals, ambitions, lifestyle preferences, priorities. How do we want to spend our money? What things are we willing to sacrifice and compromise on, and what things are set in stone for us? Where are our sore points, our sources of disagreement, and how can we resolve them?

For us, these sore points have been minimal, and easily resolved. We have been lucky in this regard. But the whole thing leads me to wonder... what do you do when you fall in love, really deeply in love, with someone who isn't compatible with you in some crucial way?

For example, what would I do if Torsten were dead set against having children? On Friends, Monica broke up with Richard because he didn't want kids. Would I have done that with Torsten? I don't think it's a good idea to plow into a marriage assuming you'll work out Big Issues like this down the road. But how could I give up Torsten ever, under any circumstances? I can't fathom it, I literally can't wrap my head around the idea of it. But what would I do if being with him required one of us giving up something else so important to us that we couldn't conceive of our future without it?

I want kids. I want them so badly. I really cannot imagine what I would do if Torsten didn't want them too. I wouldn't leave him--I know that. But would I have let things get this far with him to begin with? Because say I decided that being with him was more important than having kids, that I knew I wanted to spend my life with him, and that was more important than kids to me. And I think that would be the decision that I would have made, because how could I not be with him?

But then doesn't that affect the relationship? Wouldn't I develop negativity and resentment toward him for essentially preventing me from having something that I desperately desired and even needed? But on the reverse side, if he did agree to have kids because I wanted them, wouldn't he resent me for so fundamentally changing our lives and shifting our priorities? And wouldn't it be unfair to the kids to have a parent who merely gave in to having them, instead of actively wanting them?

What do you do in this sort of situation? Do you just move ahead, make a decision that satisfies one person but not the other, and hope that it doesn't lead to conflict down the line? Or, if you need to deal with it ahead of time... how do you do that? How do you address an issue like this, where one person has to win and one person has to lose, and still preserve your relationship going forward?

Honestly, I don't know. And I feel very lucky that I don't have to find out, that this is a huge issue that we don't have to deal with. That we do have similar goals, and that every disagreement we've had has been a small issue, something that allowed for compromise, something that didn't leave anyone feeling fundamentally dissatisfied.

What would you do? Have you ever broken up with someone you otherwise could have seen spending your life with due to an issue like this? Or, have you ever decided to stay with someone despite an issue like this? What issues do you not think you could compromise on?